Sacred Connections: Lives Forever Changed
Beginning early in our marriage, my ex-husband, Ira, and I had an agreement that he could “take words back”. In our relationship, I was definitely on the more sensitive side and I would take the words he said to heart. Ira was very unfiltered in anything he said, which I found delightful initially, but eventually painful too. He would just say whatever popped into his mind without regard to how it might be received. After enough times of his saying things and my feelings being hurt, and him saying he was just being himself, we needed to find a path forward. We needed to find a way that allowed each of us to be who we were, but to also not get stuck in painful places.
So, the next time this happened, I looked at Ira very calmly and said, “Do you mean that, or would you like to take it back?” And I can still see the dawning awareness and the relief in his eyes when he replied, “I take it back! Let me take it back! Of course, I take it back – I didn’t mean it at all.” He didn’t mean what he had said, his spontaneity in wanting the words back was as authentic to him as his uttering them in the first place. Eventually, I no longer needed to ask the question; he would simply ask me, “Can I take that back?” “Of course!” was always my response and I meant it too.
“Do you want to take that back?” works when two people know each other, accept each other, love each other, and trust each other – and when words shared between them are what’s at stake. If only “Do you want to take that back?” could work as simply and cleanly in instances of injustice, violence, in escalations that lead to potential over-response, injury, and death.
Philip DeVaul wrote beautifully in his Rector’s blog this week about the tragic death of Ma’Kiah Bryant, killed by police as they responded to a call regarding fighting. Recent reporting by her family indicates that Ma’Kiah had been the one who had made the call for help. Situations escalate, and people show up who do not know each other or trust each other. When weapons are used, there is no option to take it back. Without our knowing any of the people involved, including Ma’Kiah who died tragically, and the police officer who fired his weapon, we can have little doubt that this is not the way they wanted this day to unfold. Another child of God lost her life violently, another child of God took a life in a moment’s response. And all of the people who love them are left grieving, questioning, frustrated, angry. Countless lives are forever changed.
Ma’Kiah’s death occurred this week on the same day as we watched the verdict delivered in the killing of George Floyd, by now former police officer Derek Chauvin. While the jury’s convictions brought relief to some with a tenuous sense of the possibility of justice, nothing can restore breath to George Floyd, nothing can lift the onus from Derek Chauvin. Nothing can be taken back to restore the families and friends with their loved ones, to lift the anger, grief and distrust witnessed and expressed around the world. When violence from any source enters the scene, tragedy too often follows close behind.
The number of cases of violence in our country are all too prevalent. We have systemic faults that reflect the racism, sexism, and injustice that feed much of the violence and tragedy we witness every day. When our response is violence, there is no taking it back. We can only come together to bear witness and seek lasting change. With God’s help, we look for meaning, for hope, for transformation so that these injuries and losses are not in vain.
When our response to discord comes out of our knowing each other, accepting each other, loving each other, and trusting each other, there is room for us to find new paths. With God’s help we can seek healing, justice, reconciliation, and transformation of our communities.
Ira and I have been divorced over three decades now, and we’ve remained dearest friends and family through all that time. When my son was a young man contemplating a marriage of his own, we talked again about the divorce. I asked him if it was difficult to understand why we divorced, and he responded immediately, “What is hard to understand is how you two ever decided to marry!” But he went on to say that he sees his Dad and I as a wonderful love story, a loving relationship that has endured and flourished throughout all the separate chapters of our lives.
Jesus commands us to “love one another”, as He has loved us to “love one another.” Given the chance to take those words back, I can only imagine a look of sheer incredulity. Jesus could not have made this teaching more emphatic or clear. To love, we need to get to know each other, accept each other, and grow in trust with each other. Elie Wiesel wrote, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” Jesus’ commandment leaves no room for indifference, only room for love. Let us seek to follow Jesus, to walk together the Way of Love.
