Jan 12, 2024 |
WLSU- Until You Love Them
| The Rev. Philip DeVaul
WLSU- Until You Love Them
Growing up, I was not tall, or athletic, or particularly handsome. But I was quick: I thought quickly and I spoke quickly. And I remember actually thinking I may not be the fastest or the strongest but I can outtalk these people. Yes I understand how arrogant that sounds. I was a bit of an arrogant kid. Or at least I was a kid who tried to appear confident and tried to find confidence wherever I could, and that ended up looking a lot like arrogance from time to time.
I remember how important a witty comeback was to me. Or how important it was to win an argument. To be right. This was how I could be strong, I thought. I could say the clever thing, the cutting thing. I could say the smart thing – which I would often confuse with saying the right thing or the good thing.
I have always been unspeakably drawn to being clever and sounding witty, even when it wasn’t kind. In my childhood home, you could get away with saying mean things if they were funny enough. And I have always wanted to be right. Once as a teenager I was arguing with my dad, because of course I was, and he said, “Philip at some point you’ll have to decide, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” To which I shot back, “Both. I want to be happy about being right.” Another clever comeback: It emerged from my mouth so quickly that, I realize now, I had no actual time to contemplate his point, to digest it to possibly be transformed by it.
I want to tell you that it took me a long time to learn to hold my tongue, but that would imply that I’ve learned it. It’s closer to reality to say I am still learning.
